Day 160: EPO for Writers?

As expected, writing at home is not as easy as it is in my tiny, boring, free from distractions apartment. But having my dog to keep me company is a nice touch. Still, I am not progressing as fast as I would like to, which, especially in light of yesterday’s events, begs the question: is there any form of doping that can help writers make it over the next hill (chapter)?

This question is raised for me by the piece of news that moved through Germany like a firestorm (well, at least through the parts that are interested in cycling). A member of the German T-Mobile Tour de France team Patrick Sinkewitz has been accused of testosterone doping. “Accused” is here more a legal term, as it is pretty certain that the B-test will confirm the results of the first test. The ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone found in Sinkewitz’ bloodstream (which should be about 1:1, maybe 2:1), for which the borderline ratio (beyond which one has to assume some form of external manipulation) is 4:1 (and let’s remember, the ratio found in Floyd Landis that cost him his 2006 Tour de France title was 11:1), was a whopping 24:1. Immediately after the news broke, Sinkewitz (who after a severe crash on the previous day was undergoing reconstructive facial surgery at that very moment) was suspended from the team. The most interesting reaction, however, occurred on part of the first and second channels of German television, who year after year broadcast this event (which is a HUGE summer event/tradition in Germany millions of people follow for multiple hours every single day). They decided to discontinue their live reports of the Tour de France. With this incredibly drastic reaction the two public channels intend to pressure teams into more responsibility, vowing not to resume broadcasts until things improve, simultaneously also warning other sports that similar things will happen if serious attempts to keep sports “clean” are not being made. While some people have applauded the courage of the ARD and ZDF (and mentioned the value of such a boycott, which would never have been possible for non-public television, depending for its existence entirely on commercials), others have criticized them for aligning themselves too closely with the Tour de France as an event, prioritizing the effort to save the Tour over journalistic integrity.

In any case: while I certainly miss my afternoon Tour break (which for me is more about the beautiful pictures of the French countryside, as well as the  mass of cultural and historical info one is usually provided with than about cycling [at least until the end of the respective stages]–because, let’s face it, 5 hours of cycling cannot just be accompanied by talk about cycling), I will obviously have more time to write. My initial question remains, however: can EPO, or any testosterone product help me write faster? It seems as though a little roid-rage might do wonders for my productivity (even though Hegelian negativity might turn into actual negativity, hence the less valuable kind for critical purposes). Does anyone know of writing-doping products (aside from blow, various forms of amphetamines [which, to make this clear, I obviously, officially and wholeheartedly reject, mister government official, sir]  and, of course, gummy bears)? Just wondering. Because: 24:1. That seems like it also corresponds to the procrastination to writing ratio of the average grad student, no?

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5 Comments

  1. EPO is old hat. (every day meds)

    Cow blood is the go-fast juice now. (synthetic hemoglobins or HBOCs)

    Nike’s Lance preferred calf blood from Norway. (Actovegin)

    Other bovine based plasma boosters:
    Hemopure
    Oxyglobin
    Polyheme

    Cross country skiiers and pro tour racers need it to win.

    btw: stomach flu is a common side affect.

  2. Oh—re: writing: Two issues 1) creating ideas 2) typing fast

    Sporting drugs that would help:

    Creativity:
    Esctasy, LSD for creating ideas

    Speed typing:
    Ritalin, Prozac, Pot Belge (heroin, cocaine, morphine, caffeine)
    corticosteroids (synacten immediate)
    caffeine suppositories

    Andriol, hGH, insulin, IGF-1, EPO, cow blood are unnecessary for writing.

  3. Ok, then. Thanks, I guess. 🙂

  4. You’re welcome, I guess.

    OK?

  5. Roid Landis will be banned very soon. Andriol , insulin, thryroids and blood transfusions probably blew out his T/E ratio. Who really cares?

    I cannot wait for USADA to sanction Roid. so we can move on to another cheat.

    Landis’ idiotic sex attack via Will Geoghegan on Greg Lemond realy torpedoed his ‘nice guy imagery’, eh?

    In the end, Landis will be forgotten. No Nike deal to save him.


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